A little slice of heaven

Yesterday I wandered into heaven. No, it was not a spa or a museum or even a holy house of worship. This place is called Discounts and Deals and it is my new obsession.

Discounts and Deals (or D&D as I’ll affectionately refer to it) is not, I repeat, not a dollar store. This is a discount Mecca and there are bargains to be had. You can buy everything here, from house wares to clothing. I walked away with a super-cool tank top with blue and red piping ($1.99) a cotton summer nightgown ($2.99) and a pair of capri exercise pants ($2.99). But more interesting than the things you can buy that you actually want are the other things that you have to sort through to get to the good stuff. I have to wonder who looks at an extra-large, slightly irregular lavender t-shirt with a teddy bear bursting out of a rainbow and says “Yes! That’s for me!” And what about the entire bin of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup baseball caps? “Forget the Yanks, this year I’m rooting for junk food!” In a different store, I once actually saw a display of discounted condoms for sale. Now come on, I know the economy is bad, but ask yourself, is this the area I really want to skimp on?

I know that some people are above shopping at a store like D&D and that’s fine. You may think you’re all fancy with your tank top with only two armholes and your totally intact non-irregular condoms! But did you save money? No, you didn’t.

Deli dude looks like a lady

So how cool is this? Last week I went into my local Key Food to pick up a few things only to find that there is now a woman working behind the deli counter! She was a tomboy in her mid-twenties with long brown hair, wearing a white deli person coat. I felt the urge to shout “You go, sister!” as she sliced off a pound of Boar’s Head low-sodium turkey for me, but I didn’t want to scare her and make her cut herself.

There is just something so inspiring and refreshing about a woman in a “traditionally male” job. I’ll admit that I get a little feeling of glee when I open up the door of a taxi and see a badass grandma behind the wheel or when Jennifer Beals welds in Flashdance. (The one exception to this is the NYPD. Seriously, what is the deal with those 5’2” 220-pound lady cops I have seen around my neighborhood? I’m sorry, but if some serious shit is going down, I want Ponch coming to my rescue!)

On the flipside, there are some jobs that men just shouldn’t do. The first one that comes to mind is gynecologist. You know the old saying – a male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car. And anyway, it’s creepy (yeah, I know, you are just so inspired by the mystery of childbirth!).

Far worse is something that I encountered last week when I decided to try the new nail salon that opened up in my neighborhood – a male manicurist! Now don’t get me wrong, the only person I let cut my hair is a man and the most talented makeup artist I know has the XY chromosome. But there was something so utterly strange about a dude holding my hand, massaging lotion into it and painting my fingernails. It was as if he was disrupting some deeply intimate, feminine ritual.

So listen, mister. Put down the speculum and the Essie “Flirty Fuchsia” and leave those things to us.

I’m not saying it’s fair, I’m just saying I don’t like it.

Top ten ways to make tax day more fun

10. Sit down with your 1040 instruction booklet and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Every time you see the words “capital gain distributions,” do a shot.

9. Show up at your local H&R Block and yell “Free pizza for everyone!”

8. Try to write off your online porn subscriptions as a business expense.

7. Attend a tax day protest with a sign that reads “Fund Doggy Day-Spa Treatments for Bo!”

6. Stand in line at the post office with the intention of viewing the PS I Love You stamp collection.

5. Tell your children to horde the “tax relief” bite-sized cinnamon rolls Cinnabon is giving away since this is what they will be eating for breakfast for the next month.

4. Take your role of “Head of Household” more seriously by wearing a crown and insisting that your family address you as “My Liege”.

3. Make a contribution to wildlife by papering your hamster cage with form IT-201.

2. Find someone who is blind and born before January 2, 1944 and help them check the boxes on line 39a.

1. Claim a child in Malawi as your dependant.

Want to look good? Wear a fanny pack

Spring is here and you know what that means! It’s time to clean out the closets, switch over your wardrobe and decide on your signature look for the season. So what is the one signature piece that will define your style for the next few months to come? Is it a head scarf or a colorful belt or an espadrille? No. It is something better. This season, those of us in the know will be rocking a fanny pack.

If you think a fanny pack is something that only uncool tourists wear, think again. A fanny pack is for anyone who has ever dreamt of taking photos or gesticulating wildly without a cumbersome bag swinging from their shoulder. Until you have felt the ease and simplicity that comes with reaching into a pouch on your stomach and pulling out a) a pocket pack of tissues b) your lipstick c) the other half of a breakfast burrito you wrapped up in a paper napkin to save for later because you knew you’d be hungry – you have not known the pleasures of a fanny pack.

I wear a fanny pack when I travel because it makes me feel like a crimefighter. How can someone snatch my purse when there is no purse to snatch? There is no better feeling than yelling “Psych!” to a potential thief on the monorail, knowing that my crisp, ten-dollar bill is safely hidden within the confines of my fanny pack.

You may have seen those fancy fanny packs made by Louis Vuitton. But it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money to look great wearing this season’s “it” bag. Take my fanny pack, for example, pictured above, which I received free from American Express. If you are not a super-important credit card customer like me, don’t despair. You can buy a fanny pack, like the one my mom is wearing in the photo, at fine stores everywhere.

Wearing a fanny pack is more than a fashion statement – it’s like being part of a cool club. Whenever I see a fellow fanny pack wearer I make sure to wave and smile. Kind of like the punch buggy thing, only better.